So Keegan has already posted that we had 4 kids for the weekend. The caseworker called and asked if we could take 4 teens for respite care. She said they were good kids. I wasn't sure that her definition of "good" and mine were the same. However, after talking with Keegan, we felt that we could handle it for the weekend. And since I work nights on the weekends, it really left most of it to him. I was awake and home only for about 3 or 4 hours a day.
The 2 youngest kids arrived first. The oldest has a job and was working, and the second was on an overnight visit with bio-dad. The boy wanted to be out with us, but the girl wanted to be in her room alone. I don't blame her. Here, go to this house of people you don't know and stay for 2 nights. I'm sure she didn't figure it was worth getting to know us. The youngest is the one we got to know the best. The oldest got to the house late after work, and left again the next morning for most of the day. Then the next day after the visit, the oldest boy arrived.
At dinner on Saturday night, the kids were teasing Keegan and telling me things like he didn't feed them lunch or something that was obviously not true. We were laughing and joking. Then we started talking about music, and I asked if they liked country, indicating with my tone of voice that I obviously did not. All but the oldest were there. They said they didn't, and Keegan said they listened to a particular station, and mentioned that I know 2 of the DJ's at the station. I said that I knew there were a lot of fibs being told at the table, but that I did, in fact, know the DJ's. The older of the boys asked if I went to school with one of them, and I said that I did. He then asked if I knew a female, and I said I didn't. He gave me a different last name (maiden), and I told them I did know her. He said that was their mom.
This particular person had been my best friend when I was young. There was only 1 house between us, and we spent a lot of time together. I knew her parents very well, and our families were friends. I loved her. She was my friend. And I looked at these 3 beautiful children and my heart ached for my friend. Obviously my friend had made some very poor choices in her life in order for her children to be in foster care. I ached for her and for these kids.
In our training class I was pretty judgmental about people who do things that lead to their kids being in foster care - drugs, neglect, abuse. I still don't agree with any of those behaviors. But my first experience with kids in the system belonged to someone who once was a good friend. I know this is a good person who has made mistakes. I have been hit with a huge dose of humility. Maybe that's why these were the first kids who came to us. Obviously I needed to learn something about this process. Some people are evil and do evil things to kids. But many of these parents made bad choices, lost their way, or didn't know any better. I have a new appreciation for where these kids may have come from, and will be more open minded when thinking about bio-parents.
That said, I would take these 4 kids in a heartbeat. They are in a kinship placement right now, and we are licensed for 2, but I would have our license changed and take all 4. They are good kids - that's true - at least what we saw of them. But I already love them. They are part of someone I loved for a long time. And it isn't something I can't ignore.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Monday, September 16, 2013
How winding the tangled web of our lives
My wife and I just finished a weekend respite care session with a group of siblings. After all the horrific experiences I have heard, the war-stories I was expecting, all i can think is, "well, huh. at the risk of throwing the universe out of adjustment: that was easy."
I'm not saying we had a perfect "peaches and roses" weekend. but i really had feared a far more chaotic "adventure" than what we experienced. i know there are a lot of kids in care, and most of them have (shall we call it) extra luggage. but these siblings were relatively well-adjusted, respectful, and not at all like i was expecting. i felt a little left out of the conversations, because they whispered to each other more often than they didn't. but then again, i was only an outsider to any of it anyway. i wasn't really expecting them to open up quickly and explain their entire life-stories to us, but i guess i just wasn't expecting what we got. Others have it tougher, i know. but for us, it really mostly consisted of them playing video games on their kindle tablets, having three days of glee-marathons on the netflix, and not a lot of excitement.
at least that was my experience.
at one meal, the conversation turned how it did naturally, with me mentioning that my wife was good friends with some radio personalities, and they admitted that their parent was also, and then my wife and they traded names around and found that she had been close friends with one of their parents as a youth. it was a little surprising to learn that the parent of these kids was one of her childhood friends, that she knew the friend's parents and grandparents by name. suddenly i began to consider how differently the lives had diverged in course from the time they were friends and mostly similar to how their lives had developed to date. with a few different choices, my wife could be in a similar situation to her friend, our kids in foster-care, with periodic visitations only. and i think back on the historic line, slightly modified, "There, but for the Grace of God, go my children."
I think honestly to myself that it may not take much to put my family in a similar situation. how many choices would it take to secure my children in the foster system? how many poor decisions would i need to make before i find myself in jail, my kids in the custody of the state? how many times have i narrowly avoided a similar situation, the whole time oblivious to how close i had come to losing my family, possibly permanently? sometimes hindsight isn't 20/20, but blindness altogether.
I'm not saying we had a perfect "peaches and roses" weekend. but i really had feared a far more chaotic "adventure" than what we experienced. i know there are a lot of kids in care, and most of them have (shall we call it) extra luggage. but these siblings were relatively well-adjusted, respectful, and not at all like i was expecting. i felt a little left out of the conversations, because they whispered to each other more often than they didn't. but then again, i was only an outsider to any of it anyway. i wasn't really expecting them to open up quickly and explain their entire life-stories to us, but i guess i just wasn't expecting what we got. Others have it tougher, i know. but for us, it really mostly consisted of them playing video games on their kindle tablets, having three days of glee-marathons on the netflix, and not a lot of excitement.
at least that was my experience.
at one meal, the conversation turned how it did naturally, with me mentioning that my wife was good friends with some radio personalities, and they admitted that their parent was also, and then my wife and they traded names around and found that she had been close friends with one of their parents as a youth. it was a little surprising to learn that the parent of these kids was one of her childhood friends, that she knew the friend's parents and grandparents by name. suddenly i began to consider how differently the lives had diverged in course from the time they were friends and mostly similar to how their lives had developed to date. with a few different choices, my wife could be in a similar situation to her friend, our kids in foster-care, with periodic visitations only. and i think back on the historic line, slightly modified, "There, but for the Grace of God, go my children."
I think honestly to myself that it may not take much to put my family in a similar situation. how many choices would it take to secure my children in the foster system? how many poor decisions would i need to make before i find myself in jail, my kids in the custody of the state? how many times have i narrowly avoided a similar situation, the whole time oblivious to how close i had come to losing my family, possibly permanently? sometimes hindsight isn't 20/20, but blindness altogether.
Monday, August 12, 2013
Impatiently waiting
We've been licensed for a month and a week now, and we're still waiting. Sometimes when the phone rings I get a little thrill of excitement that it might be DHW (Department of Health and Welfare) with a placement. But we aren't waiting very patiently either.
Keegan got online last night to adoptuskids.org and was perusing profiles. There is supposed to be an interstate compact between 4 states (ours and 3 surrounding) that makes it just as easy to adopt as if it were an in-state adoption. Yet, we inquire on kids and hear nothing back. Keegan sent an inquiry last night, and I told him not to. He said it didn't hurt to try, which is true, I guess. It's just been frustrating because, as Keegan noted, are these looking for adoptive families, or not? If they are, it shouldn't be that hard to make an inquiry about them. If you look at the statistics, there are about 100,000 kids who age out of the foster care system every year. I wonder if that's partly because there are about a zillion websites featuring them, and when people are seriously interested, the inquiry doesn't get to the right person? Regardless, we aren't being very patient. Maybe that's the lesson in this. I do believe there is a specific child or sibling pair that needs our family, and I'd rather wait for the right one(s) than not.
I will be patient. I will wait for the right child. I will continue to prepare. I know this is what we should be doing.
Keegan got online last night to adoptuskids.org and was perusing profiles. There is supposed to be an interstate compact between 4 states (ours and 3 surrounding) that makes it just as easy to adopt as if it were an in-state adoption. Yet, we inquire on kids and hear nothing back. Keegan sent an inquiry last night, and I told him not to. He said it didn't hurt to try, which is true, I guess. It's just been frustrating because, as Keegan noted, are these looking for adoptive families, or not? If they are, it shouldn't be that hard to make an inquiry about them. If you look at the statistics, there are about 100,000 kids who age out of the foster care system every year. I wonder if that's partly because there are about a zillion websites featuring them, and when people are seriously interested, the inquiry doesn't get to the right person? Regardless, we aren't being very patient. Maybe that's the lesson in this. I do believe there is a specific child or sibling pair that needs our family, and I'd rather wait for the right one(s) than not.
I will be patient. I will wait for the right child. I will continue to prepare. I know this is what we should be doing.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Our first "CALL"
Yesterday we received our first "CALL" for placement of a 14 year old girl. When I'm at work, I can't answer my cell, so they got ahold of Keegan, and he called me at work. The girl's mother was going to be arrested. I had a lot of questions (naturally), but the caseworker was going to call us back. However, they found a relative placement.
While I'm a little sad, I think that for this particular placement, it may be better. First off, we know that family is the best option for foster care if it's available. Secondly, I work in law enforcement. Could you imagine having your mom arrested, the worst day of your life, and you're sitting in some stranger's house only to find out that the mom may have played a part in your mom's arrest?!?! Or if the police are "the enemy" who took her mom away from her and put her in this situation, I would absolutely be "the enemy."
So maybe for this one it was better, but we are really excited to have our first placement. Thus, we continue to wait for "the call." :)
While I'm a little sad, I think that for this particular placement, it may be better. First off, we know that family is the best option for foster care if it's available. Secondly, I work in law enforcement. Could you imagine having your mom arrested, the worst day of your life, and you're sitting in some stranger's house only to find out that the mom may have played a part in your mom's arrest?!?! Or if the police are "the enemy" who took her mom away from her and put her in this situation, I would absolutely be "the enemy."
So maybe for this one it was better, but we are really excited to have our first placement. Thus, we continue to wait for "the call." :)
Monday, July 22, 2013
This is me.
I am unique person, just like everyone else on the planet. But I'll be the first to admit that as much as the differences between one person and another can be quantified, the differences between me and the rest of the population are slightly more exaggerated. i see things differently than you do, whoever you are. the majority of my life i have done so, and it works for me. I make only apologies for times when my "me" inhibits your "you", not when you encounter me and uncontrollably raise your eyebrows. in fact, my wife and I joke that i live in my own little place for most of my waking life. and like most west asian countries that share a common naming scheme, my own little place is called Keeganistan. my wife has a temporary visa to visit me there sometimes, but i don't blame her for not wanting to take up permanent residence in that upsidedown nation.
that all being said, i will be posting to this periodical slightly less often than my wonderful and patient wife. and i am sure she would appreciate that fact sometimes, as will you when you get to know me.
I am Keegan, the husband of Duh. she goes by this nickname because when she was a little girl, her siblings called her by that name as an abbreviated segment of her legal name. it's not in any way a comment on intelligence or wisdom, though she is extremely smart and creative, it's just based on her given name.
and me, I go by my name, not because i don't fear being unmasked online, but because it's part of my google profile account, and i don't know how to change it, and i don't care enough to figure out how to change it.
all that being said, my wife and i are licensed to be foster parents in our home state, and we are telling the authorities on the matter that we are ready to do so. though we all know that a wise person can never be ready for something they haven't experienced before, they can be physically prepared for as much as they can conceive, but never fully mentally prepared for the experience itself. even if you see somebody changing a flat tire on their car, you'll never be "ready" for it yourself until it happens to you. it's said that wisdom is something you don't get until after you need it, meaning that you don't know how something will happen until after it already ends. so too are we trying to prepare for future events that will indubitably happen, but for which we can never fully be prepared.
even after years of having other children in our home, we won't be prepared for the next child, because that child will be different than any others before them. they may be easier to help, or more difficult, but the experience will be different every time. so we're not going to say something that everyone knows is not true, we're not going to try to convince ourselves that we're ready for this, just that we're willing to make the attempt after having prepared for as much as that for which we can conceive, knowing that the future cannot be known until it is already the past. to the universe i tentatively invite, "Hit me with your best shot."
that all being said, i will be posting to this periodical slightly less often than my wonderful and patient wife. and i am sure she would appreciate that fact sometimes, as will you when you get to know me.
I am Keegan, the husband of Duh. she goes by this nickname because when she was a little girl, her siblings called her by that name as an abbreviated segment of her legal name. it's not in any way a comment on intelligence or wisdom, though she is extremely smart and creative, it's just based on her given name.
and me, I go by my name, not because i don't fear being unmasked online, but because it's part of my google profile account, and i don't know how to change it, and i don't care enough to figure out how to change it.
all that being said, my wife and i are licensed to be foster parents in our home state, and we are telling the authorities on the matter that we are ready to do so. though we all know that a wise person can never be ready for something they haven't experienced before, they can be physically prepared for as much as they can conceive, but never fully mentally prepared for the experience itself. even if you see somebody changing a flat tire on their car, you'll never be "ready" for it yourself until it happens to you. it's said that wisdom is something you don't get until after you need it, meaning that you don't know how something will happen until after it already ends. so too are we trying to prepare for future events that will indubitably happen, but for which we can never fully be prepared.
even after years of having other children in our home, we won't be prepared for the next child, because that child will be different than any others before them. they may be easier to help, or more difficult, but the experience will be different every time. so we're not going to say something that everyone knows is not true, we're not going to try to convince ourselves that we're ready for this, just that we're willing to make the attempt after having prepared for as much as that for which we can conceive, knowing that the future cannot be known until it is already the past. to the universe i tentatively invite, "Hit me with your best shot."
Doing research
I've been reading a lot lately. Somehow there is a part of my brain that tells me that if I research enough, read other people's stories, "prepare," that I'll be ready when "the call" comes. Then there is the other part of my brain that tells me that even with all the training and attempts to be ready, nothing can really prepare you for having a foster child. Every story is different. Every child is different, and what she has encountered, and how she will react to that is different. So yes, the room is ready. I have crisp, new sheets for the brand-new mattresses on the bunk beds and emptied out the closet. But I'll never really be ready because I don't know what it will be like.
I'm a planner. I want to know what will happen when. I like to have things organized and ready. I like to be able to anticipate. I like to be in control. I know from my training/reading/research that this is a luxury not afforded to foster kids, and I can't imagine the frustration. I think this will be as much of a growing opportunity for me as for anyone else.
And I'm scared. What if my children are affected negatively? What if I'm not good enough? We are committed to this journey. In the beginning Keegan said to me that we would not be just another notch on a child's belt of trauma. I agree. We told our licensing worker we would only ask for a child to be removed from our home if our children were in danger. Those cases should be extreme. But we're meant to do this. We both feel that there is someone, or a sibling pair out there who will need us specifically, who are destined to be part of this family. I'm not sure how or when we'll find each other. I just know we will.
I'm a planner. I want to know what will happen when. I like to have things organized and ready. I like to be able to anticipate. I like to be in control. I know from my training/reading/research that this is a luxury not afforded to foster kids, and I can't imagine the frustration. I think this will be as much of a growing opportunity for me as for anyone else.
And I'm scared. What if my children are affected negatively? What if I'm not good enough? We are committed to this journey. In the beginning Keegan said to me that we would not be just another notch on a child's belt of trauma. I agree. We told our licensing worker we would only ask for a child to be removed from our home if our children were in danger. Those cases should be extreme. But we're meant to do this. We both feel that there is someone, or a sibling pair out there who will need us specifically, who are destined to be part of this family. I'm not sure how or when we'll find each other. I just know we will.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
What are we doing?!?!
I don't consider myself a blogger. Why am I even blogging then? Several reasons. First, I've been reading several other blogs about foster care/adoption, and I've found them very helpful, so maybe I'll say something that might help someone else out. Second, I'm terrible at keeping journals. I've never been good at it. I'd like to remember this journey, both with foster kids, and with my biological kids. Third, while I'm sure they are out there, I haven't found any blogs about people who have taken in foster kids while having small children in the home. I'd really be interested in seeing that dynamic, but since I can't find it, I'll write about our experiences. Maybe it will help others.
So who are we? I'm Duh and my hubby is Keegan. We have been married 8 years. Becoming foster parents was kind of always on our radar. I was told I was unable to have children, so about 7 years ago, we started down this road. We went to the trainings, had background checks, home study, etc. At the end, our licensing worker said he was worried that because we had been married such a short time, had just moved to the area, and all our family support was a thousand miles away. He thought it would be more difficult for us than if we were surrounded by support. He suggested we wait a year. It was good advice. We became pregnant. Buzz was born and is now 5. We also have a daughter, Ariel, who is 2.
Several months ago I saw a Wednesday's Child ad on the news. It wasn't even the video - just the written transcript. My hubby and I were always interested in older kids/teens. This ad of a 17 year old hoping to be adopted touched me, and I sent it to Keegan, and said something like, "I know we're not in the market, but these still get to me." He emailed back and said maybe it was time to start looking into foster care again. I had just assumed that we would wait until the kids were older.
After talking a lot, we have decided to move forward with it. We put in our applications, attended intensive training, have been fingerprinted, background checked, and home studied. We were licensed as of July 5. We are excited/anxious/scared. We know we are meant to do this. We have explained it to our kids the best we could, and they are on board. They want to help other kids be safe. Now we're just waiting for the call...
So who are we? I'm Duh and my hubby is Keegan. We have been married 8 years. Becoming foster parents was kind of always on our radar. I was told I was unable to have children, so about 7 years ago, we started down this road. We went to the trainings, had background checks, home study, etc. At the end, our licensing worker said he was worried that because we had been married such a short time, had just moved to the area, and all our family support was a thousand miles away. He thought it would be more difficult for us than if we were surrounded by support. He suggested we wait a year. It was good advice. We became pregnant. Buzz was born and is now 5. We also have a daughter, Ariel, who is 2.
Several months ago I saw a Wednesday's Child ad on the news. It wasn't even the video - just the written transcript. My hubby and I were always interested in older kids/teens. This ad of a 17 year old hoping to be adopted touched me, and I sent it to Keegan, and said something like, "I know we're not in the market, but these still get to me." He emailed back and said maybe it was time to start looking into foster care again. I had just assumed that we would wait until the kids were older.
After talking a lot, we have decided to move forward with it. We put in our applications, attended intensive training, have been fingerprinted, background checked, and home studied. We were licensed as of July 5. We are excited/anxious/scared. We know we are meant to do this. We have explained it to our kids the best we could, and they are on board. They want to help other kids be safe. Now we're just waiting for the call...
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