Doing research

I've been reading a lot lately.  Somehow there is a part of my brain that tells me that if I research enough, read other people's stories, "prepare," that I'll be ready when "the call" comes.  Then there is the other part of my brain that tells me that even with all the training and attempts to be ready, nothing can really prepare you for having a foster child.  Every story is different.  Every child is different, and what she has encountered, and how she will react to that is different.   So yes, the room is ready.  I have crisp, new sheets for the brand-new mattresses on the bunk beds and emptied out the closet.  But I'll never really be ready because I don't know what it will be like.

I'm a planner.  I want to know what will happen when.  I like to have things organized and ready.  I like to be able to anticipate.  I like to be in control.  I know from my training/reading/research that this is a luxury not afforded to foster kids, and I can't imagine the frustration.  I think this will be as much of a growing opportunity for me as for anyone else.

And I'm scared.  What if my children are affected negatively?  What if I'm not good enough?  We are committed to this journey.  In the beginning Keegan said to me that we would not be just another notch on a child's belt of trauma.  I agree.  We told our licensing worker we would only ask for a child to be removed from our home if our children were in danger.  Those cases should be extreme.  But we're meant to do this.  We both feel that there is someone, or a sibling pair out there who will need us specifically, who are destined to be part of this family.  I'm not sure how or when we'll find each other.  I just know we will.